Beauty

So one thing about social media, be it facebook, twitter, instagram, or what have you, is that it relies tremendously on what we can see. On the topic of facebook and its ability to compel users to compare themselves with their fb friends, this means that I'm left looking at pictures of myself next to pictures of other people. Comparisons and judgements often ensue.

I'm not alone in this, I know for sure. I've heard people tell me that they hate when others post facebook pictures of them without their prior knowledge, they get upset. What they mean is that they want a preview of the picture before it goes up for the world to see, to make sure they look acceptably pretty. Because they know they have competition.

I have facebook friends who model. Others have their wedding pictures on facebook, and they look so beautiful. How can I compare myself, with my wrinkled-face smile, to these pictures taken by professionals of ladies looking their best? Of course, the comparison is ridiculous. But it's easy to fall prey to the obsession. Why don't I have boobs like her? Or why can I never get my hair to look like that? Or why doesn't she have a gut like mine? I've seen how she eats?

I'm fortunate, in that I've grown out of the severe body-image issues I went through as a teenager, when I analyzed every flaw I could find on my body, magnified it in my mind and assumed that those flaws defined me, that everyone saw them when they looked at me. I probably overcame all that--up to a point that I consider healthy, at least--in part thanks to feminism and college, as well as my dating history, which hasn't left me a lot of time as a single woman to think about why I'm not pretty enough to date.

But looking at pictures of myself isn't the problem I have. I love to look at my pictures, actually, because in most of them I'm happy, and visible happiness is beautiful to me. It cheers me up when I'm feeling that my life is amounting to nothing. I look at pictures of myself with friends, or in Hawaii, or at Penn State, and I remember that life is about the journeys we take as much as the destinations, and that my journey often leaves me smiling.

No, the evil inside of me that facebook pictures bring out is far worse than the self-loathing that comes with comparing one's self to others, like what Lupita Nyong'o describes here or katie makkai describes here; it's more like this evil, that comes from some dark place inside of me that only surfaces once in a great while, and mostly on facebook. It's shameful to admit, but I look at people I don't like, or who I envy, and I hope for the day to come when they post a picture and I can look at it and say, "Well, she got fat!" or, "wow, the guy she's with now is ugly! must be the best she can do."

I don't know where it comes from. It's like my way of getting revenge on these other girls I know who have wronged me in some way, whether they know it or not, whether it was personal or not. I look at their profiles, and I say to myself, "damn it. she looks happy." How terrible! Somehow looking at people and judging them based on the way they look in some way validates me, makes me feel less threatened by their apparent success, or lets me feel like the universe has gotten them back for whatever wrongs they've done. Whatever the reason, it's a stupid ritual that I need to get over. I shouldn't measure my success by comparing myself to others--that's the whole point of this little project. I should be sympathetic, because no one deserves to be miserable.

So, today, I want to say that I'm thankful that I've grown in to a woman who is more or less comfortable with my body. I look at myself and see someone who is average-looking, fortunate enough to be pretty slim despite a sickeningly sedentary lifestyle, with pretty hair and eyes and a genuine if awkward smile, a little short, a little lacking in curves, but okay. I'm okay with myself. And that's enough. I'm so grateful for this.

But I also want to make a pledge. I will not count on my mortal enemies becoming fat and miserable. I will stop looking at their pictures unless I have genuine interest. I will stop obsessing over their lives and bodies and relationships and focus on my own. It's interesting enough, anyways.

I think this will be healthy, and I think it will make me smile more. That ridiculous, awkward, wrinkled-face smile that makes me look half-weird, but makes it clear that I'm genuinely happy. That's what facebook pictures should be all about!